Question
Sir I have a friend who is born again and he says he is in love with me but sometimes he asks for sex and he has helped my family in so many ways even financially. I don’t want to hurt him – what should I do?
Answer
Thanks for confiding in us and from the question it is obvious you are a lady. Let’s starting by stating our conviction of what love is, because in your question you stated that the young man in question loves you.
Love is not a feeling, rather it is a decision you make to be committed and faithful in a relationship to the person you have confessed your love to. Going by our definition of love can you say the young man in question truly loves you?, I will leave the answer to you and the Holy Spirit. If you are in a relationship with a young man and he says he loves you as a woman and his love is demonstrated through his actions and if his actions puts you under pressure to do anything that is against the standards of the Bible, he is leading you into sin, since you said both of you are born again. I will like you to understand that sex outside a legal marriage relationship does not have any form of responsibility attached, rather it is the highest form of selfishness because he is only using you to satisfy his sexual urge that he has not been able to put under control.
I make bold to establish that in any relationship involving Christians, it will be wrong in every sense of it for either the male or female to demand for sex while yet unmarried. Hear the Bibles position – Let marriage be held in honor (esteemed worthy, precious, of great price, and especially dear) in all things. And thus let the marriage bed be undefiled (kept undishonored); for God will judge and punish the unchaste [all guilty of sexual vice] and adulterous. (Hen 13:4 Amp)
Secondly, that he has been of great help to your family does not in any way establish that you should compensate him by allowing him have sex with you. Again if he was good to your family in order to use that as an avenue to have sex with you, that also is not love but like we have stated earlier it is just Selfishness. I believe that the question of not hurting him should not arise because if you give in to his sexual demands, you’re not only hurting yourself but your equally laying the wrong foundation peradventure you end up marrying him.
In my opinion, what to do is to seek a matured marriage counselor to counsel both of you if he is truly interested in marrying you. Again set, physical and emotional boundaries and commit yourselves to it. You can also invite a matured Christian couple into your relationship to serve as your Accountability Team. But if he is not willing to take some of these measures and more that will put your relationship on the right path as children of God, I advice you walk away from that relationship before you do things that will destroy your destiny.
Question 2
Is it possible to love a man/woman that you are not sexually attracted to?
Answer
First let’s establish a true and working definition of LOVE for a relationship that is leading to marriage and for LOVE in marriage itself.
Love is a DECISION you make to be committed and faithful to the person you have confessed your love to, and to do all within your reach to support him/her achieve their Purpose here on earth.
Attraction has to do with the physical attributes of the man/woman, for example – height, body shape, beauty, colour, family background, wealth, job etc. So attraction is fueled by what the eyes can see that will create a sense of satisfaction and fulfilment.
So to be sexually attracted to a man/woman is not first about love but about satisfying your sexual desires/appetite for which you are attracted to that person. Again, sexual attraction is not the basis to make any Marriage Decision because it can lead to premarital sex, which can in turn destroy your actual intention of spending the rest of your life with that person.
Going by our definition of Love, we can highlight Two very important Virtues
1. Faithfulness.
2. Commitment
These virtues can be seen as the pillars of Love in any Purpose Driven relationship that is leading to marriage or for love in marriage proper. It will be important to state that sexual attraction on its own does not have virtues that can ensure the success of any relationship leading to marriage, more so in marriage proper.
Your decision to be faithful and committed to that man/woman will equally develop the Sexual Attraction that will sustain your marriage but when you place sexual attraction before Love, you’re only laying a wrong foundation that will destroy both you and any relationship you go into.
Therefore, you can Love a person you’re not sexually attracted to because your love for the person will develop sexual attraction but sexual attraction can not give birth to love.
#PastorIhu
